I love you frat brothers, no doubt. You are why I go downtown. I go to see you. I watch you; analyze you. I am the guy with those other guys playing that roller-ball golf arcade game Golden Tee near the subwoofer. How do you do it Frat Brothers? How are you so cool and mysterious yet drink the Miller Light? I wish I could do that, but I can’t. I have tried to drink the Miller Light. I have tried to go to the Rascal Flatts concert. I have tried to chat with the chicks, but they know me. They see right through me. They know I am that guy who plays Golden Tee.
I know Frat Brothers. I almost was one. I can’t really shotgun a beer, but I have done really mean pranks when someone was pooping. I am not as cool as I was in high school, but I put my arm around a bro one time while laughing and acted like I was giving him a noogie, which is something I know you guys do all the time. I can hang and watch football games and yell explicits and I don’t even care if it is at a tv screen!!! But I just can’t do it like you guys can.
I love you Frat Brothers because you know you look good. With your duck boots, duck jackets, and duck faces, you can do whatever you want. You can go mudding, you can run through mud, you can throw mud at a duck, you can throw chicks over your shoulder and say things like ‘heisman!’ or ‘got me one’ or ‘damn Kimmy, how much cake have you eaten today?’ You can do so many things with mud and chicks yet still you have your “shit on lock”. That’s another thing, you brothers can even cuss well, but I can’t. The chicks know I can’t cuss. Because the chicks know I play Golden Tee.
I love you because you know friendship. You know love is your bros. You guys do everything together.
“You guys are the best damn friends I have ever paid for.” one says to his brother.
“Hahahahah. Shit.” another says.
“Hahahahah. Yeah, shit.” another says.
“Hahahahah, shut up and watch the game! It’s the fourth quarter. Haha, just kidding, I love you guys.” another says.
But as for me, I love you guys because you are real. You guys know things like “swag” and being “the man” because you are them! You guys wear backwards hats and sunglasses at the same time! I have never been “the man”, and I have never experienced the swag, but you guys have. You guys do keg stands for charity. I play Golden Tee at a bar. I go to a bar and all I do is play Golden Tee. You guys play beer pong and flip cup and chug-a-lug and draw wieners on each other faces. But you don’t care, because your dad is a lawyer and you will probably land a very easy and well-paying job. I wish my dad was a lawyer, then I could be a Frat Brother. But my dad is the Senior Director of Operations of the Southeast division at Buffalo Wild Wings. And even if he was a lawyer, I know I would not be as good of a son to him as you guys are.
I love you guys because I feel like you hate me. But that’s okay! One time you brothers were having a conversation with a chick, and when you asked her what sorority she was in, I came out from hiding and answered before she could and told you I wasn’t in a sorority, which wasn’t funny, I know that now. But all I really wanted to do was play pool with yall, but then you left, which then led me to play Golden Tee by myself. But that’s okay! I chose to do that, and you guys chose to be a badass.
I will always stand up for you Frat Brothers. I know what they say about you. They say that all you do is party. But you guys are just trying to make it one day at a time. You live on the edge and you like the challenge of taking a test while being hungover. I wish I could do that, but I can’t down as many brewskis as you bros.
I know I could never be a frat brother. I would not even make it past day 1 because the only Ralph Lauren Polo clothing item I own were shorts I bought at SteinMart. I can’t be you. I like Disney movies, and I have never punched someone in the face, or pointed at a girl and said “dibs!” but that is what makes you untouchable Frat Brothers. Stay Chugging.
One love,
Brooks
