Fragments of You
The weather in the beautifully chaotic city of Bombay was surprisingly not very harsh for an evening in the month of May. I could feel the cool breeze on my chest through the green linen shirt I was wearing that day. As I walked towards the cafe I noticed that the soft orange glow of the setting sun had added a shine to the texture of the flaky white clouds. It felt as if the city was very delicately wrapped in an orange blanket. I suddenly stopped walking and was brought back to reality by the throbbing heart in my chest. I found myself standing outside the cafe where we decided to meet that evening. I stood on my toes from outside the main entrance and spotted you sitting on the brown leather sofa facing the glass door of the cafe. In the very sad, low and beige setting of the cafe wearing that beautiful white kurti of yours, you seemed like a moon at dusk. I honestly think that nothing could've complimented the entire outfit other than those shiny silver jhumkas hanging from your ears.
I stepped back and with a deep breath I told myself that it'll be okay.
I gathered all the courage that I had in me and walked in the cafe. When you saw me walking towards you, you closed the laptop and kept it in your bag. You sat back up and while very elegantly placing all your hair on the right side, you greeted me with a smile. The tiny mirrors in the jhumkas reflected little reflections of the lights in the cafe on your slender neck. The coffee was ordered and while sipping down that very average tasting milky coffee I heard you talking about the new project that you were working on. You leaned in forward to show me something on your phone and through the fabric of the kurti I discovered a very light outline of a tattoo on your left arm. I noticed that my alarm started ringing on my phone, which was kept on the table. I swiped right to dismiss it and got back to our conversation. As we dived deeper into your idea of exploring the world around us I sensed my search for stability at stake. I realized that I might end up hurting myself in this situation but I wasn't ready to accept it. There was something about you, something special that I just couldn't let go of. As you continued sharing the jokes from the last family dinner I continued thinking about the idea of not having you in my life anymore. I asked myself, “what if today is the last day I meet her, it'll be okay right?” All I could hear was silence, there was no response from within me. All I could see was you, laughing at this joke that your best friend made on the family table. All the lights in the cafe started dimming down. When you picked up your coffee and took a sip I noticed the lip shade you were wearing. It was pink, not the pink that would hurt my eyes but also not the pink that would require me to think if it's peach or pink, just the right amount. You kept the glass back on the table and started playing with the packet of brown sugar that came with the coffee. The sound of the sugar packet diverted my attention from the lipstick mark on the straw to the shiny ring on your right hand. While I shared some incidents from my family dinners, I wondered if I should ask you about your plans for us.
I took a deep breath and leaned in with the question at the tip of my tongue, suddenly my alarm rang again. I was caught by surprise and swiped right to dismiss it. By the time you were done sharing your view on the idea of living away from city life, I was more confident to ask the question. I firmly placed my hand on the armrest of my chair and in a very hurried manner said," I wanted to talk to you about something." You glanced at me and asked me," whats up?" I looked into your eyes and said,'' Your plans about your future seem very interesting but I am just not able to place myself in them? I mean we have been seeing each other for a while now, what's going on here? As soon as I was done asking this, I immediately looked down.
When I looked up I found you smiling and looking at me, your left elbow was on the armrest and your palm was resting on your temple. Suddenly all the lights around us that were dimmed down were now completely out and started disappearing from the scape. All the furniture in the cafe started falling somewhere deep, deep into the ground leaving just the two of us in that cafe, which wasn’t even a cafe anymore. You started moving towards the dark, away from me. The distance between us increased and you seemed further away now. I could still see that smile, that slight smile on your face suddenly you moved further and now all I could see was the outline of your body. Before you almost disappeared into the darkness you finally answered the question. I could sense from your tone that you were smiling when you said that, “you can’t place yourself because you are not there yet.”
Amidst all this my alarm started ringing again, when I looked up from the table I noticed that you were gone, gone away into darkness.I swiped right and dismissed the alarm. I could feel a certain amount of warmth on my feet as if something was burning near it.
I looked at my feet and witnessed the warm sunlight falling on my bed.
I woke up under a bright white ceiling with a brown fan, I sat on the side of my bed facing the window and started wondering about the dream I saw. I wondered that even after all these months I remember the shade of your lipstick but not what it felt like when I kissed you for the first time. I remember the ring on your finger but not the time when I held your hand for the first time. I remember the color of your hair but not the time when I ran my fingers through them. I often wonder if these are mere fragments of you that I remember or are these the desires that were never fulfilled.
