Have you ever looked back at your life and wondered if you could change anything? Of course, you have. Everybody has, in fact. I have, too. There were a number of things I was proud of myself for, a number of things I thought I could have done better and many more things I have regretted.
As for experiences, everybody talks about times they were at their happiest, or times they were really enjoying themselves. How about I talk of someone I know, who has an emotional yet inspiring story to tell?
Let me tell you about this girl I know. I have known her since I was a child, I have grown up with her and seen her at her worst. She’s my close friend not many know about. We grew up in the same neighbourhood. I saw her jump on sandcastles, fall, and scrape her knee and hide from her mother when called back home because she wanted to play more.
Everybody described her as a lively, cheerful, and sweet girl. It was just me, who saw her fall and almost lose the will to hold onto the good in life. We were in seventh grade when all the mess started unfolding itself.
People she thought as friends were slowly turning their backs on her. Teachers saw her sudden downfall in grades and the chirping sweet girl everybody admired had started to fade.
Why, you ask? Because she had gained a little weight. Extra classes after school, everyday tests, stress of embarrassment, and the pressure of keeping her cool among her so-called ‘friends’ had started to push on her. She didn’t realise when, she started outgrowing her weighing scale.
She would walk up to her friends hoping they would involve her in the games they played, but they would suddenly stop, pull out their phones and pretend to be busy. Her friend group consisted of around ten to twelve people. Among them, the girls would give her looks, make fun of how she ran or how she laughed and kept breaking her self-confidence into as many pieces as they could.
Maybe knowingly, or unknowingly, who knows?
Her tuition teacher thought she could not excel after a certain limit, so they didn’t careless. Things kept going normally but she contemplated every single thing, every single day. Her exams kept hovering above her.
There is a psychological phenomenon called Stress Eating. It is exactly how it sounds. For the reason that stress being too powerful than what she could handle, she found out that eating was taking her stress away for a while. For some time, the absence of that pressure felt so relieving to her, which produced her first insecurity, her weight.
Her insecurities were what made her develop a conscious complex about herself.
She started questioning herself. ‘Did I do something wrong to upset my friends?’ was her main concern, since they started keeping her aloof. She just wanted to be an important part of that group for which she could probably do anything. She thought everything would be fine if she had her ‘friends’ by her side. Negligence from them affected her more than it should have.
This is what they understood, they understood her need for validation. Among them was a boy, who she thought was very cool. He used to make everyone laugh, was good at studies (especially at subjects she didn’t score well in), and probably everybody’s favourite. Being friends with him would make her look cool as well which would make people want to involve her, was what she thought.
The moment he understood that making jokes on her was the new vibe that made everyone laugh, he grabbed that opportunity wholesomely. She laughed those jokes off because for a tiny amount of time, people took her name and looked at her which made her think, it was all okay.
Do you know a dark psychology trick that would make anyone hold on to you unwillingly yet subconsciously? Nobody would recommend using this, but one should know if it’s happening to them. It’s told so that one could be aware.
It’s called hot and cold technique. Here is where person A has to validate person B a lot. Make them feel good about themselves till it satisfies them. Then, person A has to stop that validation all of a sudden. This would make person B crave for that validation making them go back to person A. Then person A would give them their validation back and this cycle goes on until person B realises the trick.
That boy was person A, she was person B. At once he would appreciate her for something silly and the other moment, he would pass comments to hurt her, his main intention being to make people laugh. Again, knowingly, or unknowingly.
Events after events her self-confidence kept detaching itself from her. The moment she realised the mind games they were playing on her, she started distancing herself from them. She wouldn’t voluntarily show up in front of them, avoid them, and so her friend group dropped from twelve to two.
She distanced herself from them as soon as she realised the suffocation of that toxicity.
This experience kept shouting it’s throat off, telling her to stop expecting fenceless things from people. She being the person she is, overlooked this advice. Soon, came the time where she moved houses. She was going to a whole new atmosphere. Her two friends told her they would miss her, but deep down she knew the facts.
That new place was what she actually needed in her life. New people, her people. At the new school, people saw her as a person first than as how she looked. They were interested in her fun stories than her appearance. They were excited to meet her every day. This is where she realised, now it was time to change for herself.
She started to work on herself, little by little. Then came a day that she had to go back to her home city for some business her parents had. This gave birth to another experience. She thought her friends would be excited to see her again. She should have known; non-realistic expectations don’t usually grow into smiling experiences.
She cheerfully told them that she was coming back for some time. Her heart raced as she patiently waited for their excitement. In turn, they told her they were too busy to make it, may it be even for a little while. This was the second time, when she heard her own heart fighting off a storm of emotions.
Who knew watching your self-pride and expectations at war was so difficult? She was not prepared for it. Her mother added some piece of sense in her. “They should be calling and asking your whereabout and time you would be free for them. It should not be the other way round. You are travelling a hundred miles to meet them, and they show up with excuses.” Her mother said.
“They must be really busy?” she defended them,
“So busy to not even make five minutes of their time?” her mother asked her back,
This made perfect sense to her, she was defending people who would not do the same for her. She buckled herself up. She decided the strongest decision of her life. To let go. Sometimes, it is better to let go of what is hurting you to let yourself heal from it. It was never too late for her to start again.
So, she did. She looked at herself in the mirror and decided to get rid of the first thing that hindered her self-confidence, her weight. After a year or so, she lost a tremendous amount of weight. She then worked on supporting her hobbies. She explored herself and built up a study pattern that boosted her grades. Her pictures started looking more beautiful and she did things that made her smile from within.
On experiences she learnt, caring less is a bliss.
Three years flew by, she became a completely different person. Or rather, her shell ripped off revealing the woman she always was. She never knew there was a world beyond the little sphere she kept surviving in.
A few days back, she contacted me. She said, “I need the writer in you to use those fancy words and tell the world about me,”
I asked her why she wanted to let the world know something that involves all her insecurities,
That’s when she replied, “Because if there is someone out there, who thinks there is no hope after being let down by their own expectations, I want to be their mental reassurance. I want them to know that there is someone who has been through the rains, just like them, and is now at the happier side of life. I want them to know that it’s okay to not be okay at times.”
“Won’t it embarrass you?” I asked,
“It might or it might not. I want to go that extra mile.” She replied.
I didn’t have anything to say after that. It wasn’t just her who changed, but she changed me and now that people know how she won, she was going to change a hundred more people. One experience gave birth to another, then another, which in turn led me to write about her.
So, here I am. Using not-so-fancy words and weaving a short story to tell you. Everybody has different wars, different enemies, and different support groups. Nobody wants to tell you their weaker side of the story and it’s pretty obvious, but if my friend could muster up herself to confidently tell people about the past that almost gave up on her, anybody can come through with their war stories.
You don’t need to be a writer or need any writer friend to tell your story. Just put out words and the world will understand the rest.
For her, it was her weight that stole herself from her, because of which she couldn’t reveal her true self. Her insecurities fought with each other. She kept degrading herself as if what the society was doing wasn’t enough. In front of her eyes, from her own hands, she let go of things that felt really precious to her at that time, but today, she has people who look after her, like being around her, and look at her with respect that she deserves.
There she saw, it was always her versus the problem, not her problems against her.
Everybody is born strong. Each one of us have a true potential hidden somewhere deep, maybe because it’s too shy to show up. As my friend always says, one should listen to the world’s advice but do only what their heart approves of. Even if tomorrow knocks on your door with a little negativity, I want you to know that it will not last forever.
“There is a magic shop out there for you, too. Take that little step and open the doors to your serendipity. Euphoria will hold your hand and your epiphany will be right in front of you. You never walk alone. Tell them, I said this.” She said with a smile dancing on her face.
---x---
Writer: Sanchali Bhogaonkar
